"I resolve to be pious and kind and gentle and - yippee, skippee - I already am! Happy 2010, everybody!"

It was a great Christmas break but now it's back to reality and work. I'm grateful that I have a job that allows me to take this time off. I'm also grateful I live by a rec center that has an indoor pool where I can drop my kids off. I didn't check my work email, turn on my laptop or go anywhere near the school during this break which means I have a lot to do tomorrow. My Christmas decorations are still up in my classroom! Guess I'll be getting to work nice and early tomorrow.

I resolve to have more resolve
I thought about reading more and watching less crappy TV but I now think I can do both. I am cutting "The Hills" out of my Tivo programming. Sorry "Hills" but you are so sucky I can't even watch you for camp value anymore. I'm going to be more positive and smile at strangers more. Go to the dentist and get free teeth whitening. Renew my drivers license because it's been 10 years and my picture is horrible because I was all fat and puffy from having a baby. Turn 36 without curling up in a ball and crying all day. Run the Provo Canyon 1/2 marathon without puking. Wait, this is just my "to do" list. Screw resolutions!

A doctor talks down to me. What a surprise!
During my break I went to see an Endocrinologist. He did a "tsk tsk" when I told him I hadn't bothered to go to one since I was diagnosed as hypothyroid 8 years ago. When I told him I was on a natural thyroid supplement he told me he was going to give me an analogy as to why natural thyroid is inferior to synthetic. "Pretend you're a hunter. Oh this might not be a good analogy for a woman." Oh snap! You did not just say that? Um, I'm pretty sure I can understand your gun/hunting analogy even if I don't enjoy killing animals and am just a silly little woman. I should have told him I used to be really good at shooting gophers on dates. That's right, I once went on a gopher shooting date. Anyway, I forgave him in my mind and let him go on about what he thought I should do with my meds. I gave three vials of blood ("Your veins are small. Your blood flows really slowly.") and found out I'm vitamin D deficient. So he gave me a prescription for three visits a week to the tanning bed. No, I have to take prescription Vit D for a while. Hopefully I start to feel super awesome now and all my problems will be solved.

I have weird quirks
The blood giving reminded me of something weird you might not know about me, I hate veins. Even writing this makes me a little queasy. I don't like my wrists touched (veins are there!), I don't like seeing veins on myself or others and I especially do not want you to ever tell me about your varicose vein surgery. (mom!) You know how Angelina Jolie has those super veiny arms? Well I can't watch a movie with her in it without feeling a bit sick. Oh and I smell like maple syrup after I sleep.

What? Facebook irritates me? Yet I keep going back.
I've been spending some time on Facebook since I was home for break and there is something people do on there that drives me a little nuts. When someone puts on their status that they are sick, in the hospital or (this I find super annoying), when their status is some cryptic thing like, "I hope I survive this", these people will write, "Let me know if there is anything you need me to do for you." If you were really, genuinely concerned about someone and wanted to help them, wouldn't you pick up a phone or stop by their house or just help them without asking? Is someone going to write back on FB, "Yes, I do need help. Please bring me dinner tonight." Probably not, which is why you just help them instead of asking. When you put it on FB it just looks like you are doing it so you appear to others to be helpful or concerned.

A few photos to round things out
I'm getting my haircut this month (on my birthday!) and I had a moment where I thought about cutting it all off again but people in my life intervened and instead I'm trying to do some different things with the longer hair. I used a curling iron and didn't burn any part of me!

Ryan and IKEA teamed up to make our apocalypse bunker more user friendly. There was much swearing involved. Now when the big one hits, we'll have lovely shelves to keep us company. It looks like we'll be eating olive oil, diced tomatoes and toilet paper for fibre.

I did something too! My super awesome cousin Chelle sent me these vinyl dots months ago and I finally put them up in Hanna's room. Chel's going to send me more because I forgot how high the ceilings are.

Hide thy nakedness!

I thought of something today that I haven't thought about for years. We were driving home from Hanna's basketball game with Ryan's parents and we started talking about gym. When Ryan's parents went to school, boys and girls had separate gym classes. Brent brought up that he never knew what the girls were doing in their gym class. We started joking that they were being taught "showering" or "tickle fighting". I told them that I never showered in our school's locker room and that I never witnessed anyone showering in it. Good Mormon girls did not shower in public unless they were wearing a swimming suit. We also did not get naked when we changed in public. We all had a mysterious ability to change while remaining fully clothed. I can change out of anything without showing you an inch of scandalous flesh. I'm pretty sure my entire girls basketball team had this talent. I have never seen any of my school friends or teammates naked. I had never seen another female naked until I went away to BYU and moved in with my "shameless" or normal roommate. We were getting ready to go out (probably to The Palace) and I turned around to see her topless! For shame! Didn't she know how to mysteriously change clothes so that we didn't see each other naked? She had grown up in Virginia so maybe they didn't teach girls modesty out there in the mission field. I've since grown up and realized/decided that nakedness among friends in some situations is not so abnormal. Who knew?

I didn't come here to Jazzercise

In an effort not to gain 200lbs by Christmas, I have returned to The Gym. My goal is to get in two weight and one cardio class a week. The trick is finding the classes you like to go to and have good instructors. My old weight class was taught by Naomi who I believe had perfect arms. Her perfect arms motivated me and made me believe that maybe someday, I could have arms like that also. Naomi didn't fool around either. I got really strong going to her class and I probably lifted more weight than I ever have before. I was sore a lot but it was a good kind of sore that made me feel like I was accomplishing something. My whole working out routine was interrupted by our summer trip to Alberta, then adjusting to working (18 hours a week!) and then just general laziness. I'm back now but Naomi has left. I don't know where she went but it makes me sad and I know I'm not the only one who went to Gold's just for her classes. So the last couple of weeks have been a testing period for other classes. I found Shirley on Mondays that I really like and then I do a spin class for my cardio. Wednesday I decided to try out Lana's weight class hoping that I'd have found my trifecta of workout classes. I should have known when I walked in and only saw three other women there that it wasn't going to be fabulous. One of my pet peeves when taking a class is when the instructor has us work out like "girls". I don't want to do any of this Jane Fonda crap where I lay down on my side, put a dumbbell on my inner thigh and "lift, lift, lift". I know it might work out your inner thigh just fine but I want to put a barbell on my shoulders and lift like a man, dammit! I found myself getting angrier and angrier as the class went on. I left about ten minutes early feeling like I could have had a better workout with Gracie as my instructor. I won't be going back to Lana's class and instead I guess I have to now try out the new spin instructor on Wednesdays. Hopefully I don't get in a fight with anyone.

The weaker sex

I saw this on Dooce and had to share. I'm not naming any names but I know some men like this.

You Will Learn

I was cleaning out my computer desk and look what I found. Noelle's Cliff Notes for The Fascinating Girl. I was pretty excited because I thought I threw it out after 14 years.



That's Noelle's face on the cover. She's doing her darndest to figure out how to make one of these attractive, masculine men propose marriage to her. Luckily she has just the right book to teach her how to be more attractive to men.

You will learn:
What men find fascinating in women
The kind of woman a man wants
How to awaken a man's feelings of love and tenderness
How to understand men, their special needs, characteristics and vulnerable points
The way to self confidence with men
How to be a good conversationalist
Feminine wiles and ways
The real charm that men find in women
How to be adorable when angry (I might actually like to learn this)
How to make a man feel like a man
Strategy with men and keys to winning them
Where and how to find a man
Choosing a mate-what to look for
The six stages of winning a man
How to make men notice you
Arousing his interest and love
Mistakes that drive men away
Sex and affection, the wise and the foolish aspects
Removing the obstacles to marriage
How to create a romantic situation
Principles of inspiring a proposal

Holy crap! That is everything I will ever need to know in life. Forget anything about me or my self-worth as long as I'm pleasing a man I'll be happy. I've picked my favorite exert from the cliff notes to share with you all:

"If you are a large, tall or strong woman you will have to work to disguise these features so that men will have the impression that you are little and delicate. And if you are an efficient and capable woman, you will have to "unlearn" these traits. As you begin to develop your feminine nature, the one you were born with, you will tend to lose some of your qualities of fearlessness and efficiency and supplant them with the virtues of true femininity."

Luckily I am neither large or tall but I am capable. At least I only have to "unlearn" a few things. I would much rather be incapable. This is all making sense to me now. What man wouldn't want a small, weak, incapable, inefficient and fearful mate? Amen Helen Andelin. Amen.