"My self-confidence is a bit low right now."

Hanna wrote me this note in church today..."I'm worried they won't like me. My self-confidence is a bit low right now." I wanted to say, "I hear you sistah!" but instead I did the motherly thing and reassured her. My mom wasn't there to reassure me though and I think I could have used that. If you've been reading my blog for anytime at all, you know that I'm not that socially outgoing. Once I'm "in" I like to think that I can be a bit o' fun but until I get "in" I'm pretty scared and shy. So going to a new church for the first time is about as fun as having my eyes poked with needles. When we moved into our Santaquin ward seven years ago I had two little children. Grace was just one so she hung out with me all the time. I almost wanted to pinch her and make her cry today so she could be my buddy in the adult classes. I'm sure it wouldn't have been hard because she looked like she was about to cry when we dropped her off in her new classroom. I realized that she had been in the Santaquin ward all her life. She's known the kids at church for as long as she can remember. That's got to be a big change for her. It was hard for Ryan and I to leave her sitting there looking so sad but they both came to meet us after church with big smiles on their faces. Kids are so resiliant. I on the other hand did not have a big smile on my face or a bag of Twizzlers. It wasn't bad and people were mostly welcoming and friendly but just the stress of it was enough to give me a huge headache. I told Ryan I should have sacrificed one of my last two Xanax for this. I was with Ryan until Relief Society (women's sunday school) and that's when I got a little sad. Normally I'd at least have someone to sit with in our old ward but here I was all alone. The only neighbours I have met were in other organizations so they weren't there to sit with. While I was waiting to get into the RS room, one of my neighbours came up to me and then introduced me to another woman who was standing there. She was young and without a child clinging to her so I thought we might have something in common. She asked me my name and I asked hers and then she walked into the room without me and sat down, not by me. Hello?! I'm new in the area and church, don't you think I might like someone to sit by. So I just sat by myself as everyone came in. I found it sad and amusing at the same time. Class was about to start when a woman came over to me and asked, "Are you new in the ward?" I said I was and she asked if I'd like to come sit by her. Then, get this, I start to cry! I was able to keep it under control so no one noticed. Had to bite my cheek a few times and tried to think of something funny. (Barney in a bikini?) After the class was over a few women did come and talk to me. It's just so painful to be the center of attention. I like to blend.

Things are progressing here at the house. We are slowly getting things unpacked. Ryan set up our treadmill and I finally hit 6 miles yesterday. I'd been hoping to run a 10K this summer but I was stuck at 5 miles. As a reward, I'm getting a massage tomorrow. Things are good, I miss things about Santaquin but I'm trying to focus on liking it here.

We've moved and it's going to be okay

The Move
There have been moments of deep sadness, anger, frustration, joy and finally contentment. On Friday, the day we moved, I almost started crying when we were unloading our third load from the moving van. Just the thought of carrying another box about put me over the edge. Thankfully we had great friends who helped us and our new neighbours also came over and helped unload. I thought that was pretty cool since no Santaquin neighbours ran over to help us move out. Come to think of it, only one of our immediate neighbours came over to talk to us and express sadness that we were moving. Guess I didn't wave enough. Anyway, moving is the absolute pits and we will not be doing it again unless someone does it for us.

The House
The new house is beginning to feel like home and we work on it a little each day. I went out the first night we slept here to grab something at Target (that's right, Target is 1/2 a mile away) and when I came back, Ryan surprised me with a set up living room. It was really nice because it gave us a place that seemed like home. We've been doing some purchasing also. Jamaica is out and instead we are using the money for home stuffs. We can wait one more year to celebrate the phenomenal marriage that is ours. I got a new dining set, Ryan got his big TV and we are both excited about the Dyson vacuum we got. My old Kenmore was making a wicked noise and I think I heard it say, "Kill me, please." My parents gave the girls a generous gift that is allowing us to purchase new bedroom furniture for each of them. Hanna got a really cool new bed and each got desks to do homework on. I told Ryan that Hanna got the bed I always wanted (daybed/trundle) and my parents would never buy me. Nothing like living through your kids. In this house we all have walk-in closets which is pretty cool. If I were a kid I would have loved that and made my closet into a fort.

The Neighbours
I swear they were staking out the house waiting for us to show up. Ryan told them a few weeks ago that we were most likely moving on the 20th. I think they all marked it on their calendars because they were out in force. Well, maybe it had more to do with it being 72 that day. There are two girls across the street that our around Hanna's age and by the middle of the day they were already off to the park together. People came over and introduced themselves, and someone even brought us soup and bread for dinner which was really welcome. Last night two men from church came by and asked if I was Shaun Vander(something). I wonder where they got their information from? First time I've ever been called Shaun. So yeah, everyone seems really friendly and I'm trying really hard to "friendly it up", which you know goes against my nature. It's also really hard to "friendly it up" when you are in the middle of moving and wanting everyone to just leave you alone so you can find a corner to cry in. Ryan is really excited about this neighbourhood and thinks this is the beginning of great things.

*I wanted to clarify something for my blog readers. I really am not a bitch or unfriendly. It's my way of making fun of my social awkwardness. I do want and try to be kind and friendly. My cousin called me and wanted to know why I was saying I was "bitchy" because she didn't see me that way at all. That's why Chelle is my favourite cousin. wink.

The Commute
Ryan's commute was cut in half and mine went from 1 minute to 40 minutes. It's okay. I won't say I love it but I can cruise in the car pool lane and the kids use it to read or do homework. Today I got kind of sleepy driving so if you get a call from me around 3:30 you know it's now your job to keep me awake.

Dining set

Hanna's bed

The house is sold!

It became official today so I feel like I can finally post it on here. We sold our house and bought a new one all in one day. Whew! We have already been packing and filling the moving truck and we'll move in tomorrow. I'll write a more thorough post about it later. Just want to say, it's been real Santaquin. Van Fleets out!

Freakishly short

I've told people throughout my life that my Grandma Wilde was over 6 feet tall and I always get a suspicious look. Well, I stole this photo from my parents at Christmas just so I could show everyone proof. I wish I would have asked my grandma to tell me more about her courtship with my grandpa. I now wonder how two such unmatched people, got together. They were both a little older when they got married but I don't like to think they just settled. Maybe they were so in love, that the height difference didn't matter? All I know is that I got all my grandpa's genes and none, that I can see, from my grandma. My grandma was cool though and I like to think I picked up some of that in the 20+ years I knew her. Once, when Hanna was a toddler she loudly yelled "YOOHOO!" and it sounded just like my grandma when she would yell for us to come back home from the pasture, or dump, or wherever we were on her land. It made me wonder if Hanna might have spent a little time with her before she came to us.

My grandparents at my parent's wedding. Click to enlarge.



*I'm sorry about the anon comments below. I was, in the end, creeped out by them. I should have just deleted them. I'm going to turn comment moderation on for a bit. All it does is send comments to my email so I can approve them. So don't stop posting please! I love your comments. I don't know why anyone would want to waste time harassing someone this way.

Friends who fight

Listen, I have some definite flaws as a person. I thought I'd list some of them but I'm not ready to post everything that is wrong with me on a public blog. One flaw I have as a friend is that I can get a little jealous if I'm left out. I remember being like this in elementary school. If I didn't get invited to play at recess, I was really hurt. I guess in a way we are all like that but I can be ultra sensitive. I'm especially vulnerable right now because we are moving next week and I'm leaving some of the best friends I've ever had. I won't be able to run over to Karen's when I need to borrow a pair of shoes or phone Tisa to borrow an egg from her on a Sunday. It's been hard for me to even get excited about this new house we built because I'm torn up over leaving friends. I remember when Kristin moved, I thought it was going to be the end of my world. Life does go on and luckily we aren't moving out of state so I will still be able to see my friends often.

So today I (kind of) had a freak out and wrote something to a friend I shouldn't have. I crossed a line for sure. It was immature and I knew it was as I was writing it. I'm just in that kind of mental state right now. I don't know what I wanted to accomplish. I'm seriously wondering if I'm having some sort of break down. I hate change and this is a freakin big change.
A couple of years ago, a really good friend of mine basically dumped me. I never found out why and it got kind of ugly. She was calling friends of mine and telling them what a horrible person I was. She spread lies about me around the neighborhood. The whole time all I wanted was for her to explain to me why she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Luckily I had other good friends who rallied around me and helped me through it. Sometimes when I exhibit behaviour like I did today, I wonder if maybe I'm not a good friend? Am I a jealous, possessive person? Do I think my friends should like and dislike the same people I do? Is this move bringing out the worst in me? Or am I just sad that I'm leaving and everyone else is staying? I guess I have some things to think about. I am glad that I do have a friend that is honest with me, can call me on my craziness and then still want to remain my friend. It's hard to find friends like that and that's why it is very difficult to leave.

Shea needs...

We are having internet issues at our house and are currently using my mother in law's wireless account. It's SLOW so until I get real internet, I don't think I'm going to be able to load pictures on here. My cousin Chelle had this on her blog and I found it amusing so I thought I'd try it, plus it doesn't need pictures. You Google "Shea needs", then Google tells you what you need and we all know that Google is omniscient.

* Shea needs "Quietvision". I like to think of this as a way to turn off people's annoying voices at will.

* Shea needs 11 million dollars in repairs. YES I DO! Start with the brain and end with my sagging knees. 11 million should get me some good boobs too.

* Shea needs to be replaced. Did Ryan write this?

* Shea needs help. Holy sh*t! Google can read my mind!

* Shea needs good knights. I wouldn't mind some good knights to conquer kingdoms for me and make me ale.

* Shea needs more time. I'm skeptical. More time for what? Work? Cleaning? More money and more time would be better.

* Shea needs strong runs to make team. I do need strong runs but my "team" is me so I make it by default.

* Shea needs her first bath. That's just wrong.

* Shea needs to give me God of War by tomorrow. Yowsers! I don't know where this god is but I'll do my best.

* Shea needs somebody to shove. Don't we all? I'm off to shove someone right now.

A legally blind dolphin with a meth problem could tell you that

My mom has been here this week so for one of our "mother/daughter outings" I planned that we would go to Nordstrom and get properly fitted for bras. Actually it was just me who had been wanting to do this but once we got there I convinced my mom that spending more than $10 for a bra was not a bad thing. I had to use my new ability to not be embarrassed by my naked body because you basically take your top off and let the sales lady touch your ladies. Well, not actually touch but it gets pretty intimate. The only thing I was embarrassed about was my aforementioned bacne which, since seeing the dermatologist, has only seemed to get worse. Anyway, disgusting bacne aside it was a good experience and our sales lady was a young hep thing who had really cool bangs. I have normally been wearing a 34 A or B. I buy my bras on sale at GapBody or maybe Victoria's Secret. I've been fitted before but these things have been through a lot since then. The bra I'd been sporting was way too big around and not filled up in the cup region. So Courtney (hep sales girl with good bangs) measured me and told me I was a 32. She went out and got me some bras to try on and I was thinking she'd bring in some A's or maybe a B but no, she was bringing in C's and D's. When I was nursing Grace I wore a C and I was HUGE! So the thought of me wearing a C now was laughable and a D was downright ludicrous. Sure enough, Courtney knew what she was talking about because the 32 D's were fitting me. They were padded but they fit really nicely. Apparently when you go down in band size, it is normal to go up in cup sizes. I narrowed it down to two I liked and picked a Calvin Klein because it was the cheaper of the two. Unfortunately they didn't have my size in the colour I wanted at the store so it's being shipped to me. But yeah, I'm a D and I don't want any snotty comments about it because Courtney says it's so.

Grace's baptism

Grace was baptized on Saturday by Ryan and is now a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was a fabulous day all around. The weather was great and it was nice to see so many family and friends together. Grace really is amazing and I'm proud of her for wanting to do this.

Waiting with Ryan.

We go there a bit early so Grace played the piano to pass time.

Sporting the baptism jumpsuit. Ryan said he's going to wear jumpsuits all the time now.

Grace and her friend Holly, who was also being baptized, sang "I'm a Child of God" together. Grace surprised me with how well she sang. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to hear her. Wish I had it on tape.

I thought she looked really happy here. Post baptism glow.

Me and my baby, who is almost as tall as me. wah.

The fam.

I didn't think I had enough pictures of the dress without the cardigan on so I made Grace take more on Sunday morning. I thought she looked really cute here. That's what parents do, think their kids are cute.

I just couldn't keep it private

I have this weird quirk where I visualize things in my mind. Like when I'm counting I visualize the numbers in my head or sometimes when talking I see the words in my mind. Since I made the blog private, I've been having this vision in my head of my blog and it's dark as though it's in a tunnel. Sounds crazy I know but it has really been bothering me that I felt pressured to go private. I've deleted any links/trails from the house blog so I'm hoping it's safe to go public again. Being private made me not want to post anymore and I need to do this for me.