Aloha! My name is Mrs. Van Fleet.

I wish that were true but you know everyone loves summer. We are all back in school now. Grace and I at Beaumont Elementary and Hanna at Beaumont Junior High. Where Hanna is now a "Pioneer". I guess Pioneers can walk a lot and suffer, so maybe that is a good mascot. My friend in Buffalo said her son was now a Quaker. You know, a fighting Quaker. If there is one thing I know about Quakers and Pioneers, they are really good at fighting. There is a high school in Utah that are the "Beetdiggers" which I think would be awesome. My mom used to dig beets and she is pretty tough. School is going well for everyone. I forget how cute 6 and 7 year old kids can be and I have some cute ones. I also forget how crazy the first week is for kids who have only gone to school for 3 hours in a row previously and had a whole summer off. They are so done by the end of the day. Plus it's been super hot, like the hottest it has been all summer, so that makes everyone extra tired. Also, they are hungry. I had a child ask me at 9:00 the first day, "If it was lunch yet?" They'd been in school for an hour. Just like with everything new, you have to build stamina and we will.
First day photos for everyone!


Grace running away from my photo taking frenzy.



Hanna going to junior high has been an eye opener. She was only a little bit nervous and seemed to get over that quickly. When we went to the orientation night I just walked around with my mouth open. I came from a very small school (graduation class of 45) and this school has around 1100 7-9 students. Ryan kind of took the lead. I felt like I needed a Powerpoint to understand what A and B days meant. Oh small town Shea, so stoopid. Hanna had her first school dance yesterday from 2:45-4. She said she didn't dance with any boys. She said a couple of a boy friends from elementary came to talk to her.

Boys: Hi Smalls! (her nickname)
Hanna: Hi Billy and Bobby. (not their real names)
Boys: Blah, blah, mumble, mumble.
Hanna: What? I can't hear you.
Boys: Mumble, mumble, blah blah.
Hanna: What? I can't... (boys walking away)
Do I miss junior high? No.

I went with a new theme for my room this year. I decided on owls because there is a lot out there right now and owls are wise, right? A coworker told me about an owl wallflower (scent thing we use in our classrooms) from Bath and Body Works. I, of course, had to have it. I was telling Ryan about it and how cute it was, when he turned to me and said, "Are you serious?" Apparently, I was a bit too excited about my owl find.
A couple of my new bulletin boards. Take it easy. Don't get too excited.


On a side note, today is Evie's birthday. I don't really have much to write about that. It's been five years now and time has eased the pain considerably. I've pushed her memories into the back of my brain and try not to think about her too much. Yesterday as I was driving home from work, she popped into my head and I said out loud, "That was so surreal." It really was/is. We'll celebrate her by spending the day as a family. What else is there to say? I miss her.

"We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all."

After was Evie was born I had insomnia brought on by severe anxiety. I found that if I went into the girl's rooms and cuddled with them while they slept, I'd eventually fall asleep. I'd wake up hours later and stumble into my own bed able to sleep peacefully. I don't think they were ever aware of me sleeping with them but their sweet little 5 and 7 year old bodies were the only things that could ease my anxiety. I've been dealing with anxiety for almost as long as I can remember. When I was 16, I was terrified that I was developing epilepsy but realize now that I was having mild panic attacks. Now you might wonder, "Why did you think it was epilepsy?" It's because when I had these panic attacks, I had trouble breathing and felt like I might pass out. In my 16 year old mind, the only thing I could attribute that to was a disease like epilepsy. Fortunately the panic attacks went away and became very infrequent. I also knew what they were by my 20's and could manage them with breathing etc. After Evie was born, the anxiety came and stayed for a long time but I managed with the occasional anti-anxiety medication and regular exercise. Lately, the anxiety has come and stayed. I realized the other day that my jaw was almost constantly clenched, to the point that my neck hurt almost all the time. The anxiety was also making me have irrational thoughts about myself and I was filling my head with negative messages pretty much all the time. I finally went to the doctor about it and he agreed that my body image was not normal and we came up with a plan together to get me back on track. He said that there are studies proving that if you constantly tell yourself negative things, it can actually change your brain chemistry. Well mine has been changed to "crazy" so now I'm on the path to making it "less crazy". Sometimes I think it is so hard to reach out for help. We think we can solve everything ourselves. After I had Evie I thought I could do everything on my own. I crashed and burned pretty quickly with that attitude and figured out eventually that it's okay to seek help. I'm hopefully on the way to feeling a lot better about myself and becoming a more relaxed person.

Let's be civil
I went to Heber today to support Amanda at her Heber Valley Civil War Weekend. The girls and I drove up beautiful Provo Canyon and watched a reenactment with cavalry and cannons. The girls want to join so they can wear the big hoop skirt dresses. We cheered for "Nurse Amanda" but I told the girls we are Northerners all the way. Sorry Jonesie.

Amanda put up a lot of her own money to put this weekend together. I admire that she has something she is passionate about.

Look, she even helps the wounded northerners. What an angel.


I'm on my feet a lot during the day, so I'm always looking for some comfortable but stylish shoes. You may not think these are, but I'm totally into these Dansko mary-janes I bought at Nordstrom. They are comfortable, look cute with dresses and give me a few inches of height. Success!


I think I'll put a couple of the family photos up each time I blog. That way it isn't just one big entry of pictures. Feel free to tell me which ones you like best.


I have them all in B&W too but I'm kind of digging the colors.

Everyone has their price and mine is a pleasant surprise

My parents surprised me this week by coming for a visit. We had a really good time together and were able to pack a lot of things in. The weather also cooperated by being beautiful. My mom thought it was too hot but I love the heat. I wish summer could last all year long except I wouldn't mind snow on Christmas. We went to Park City on Sunday for the street festival. I LOVE farmer's markets, which they had. There is something about buying fresh produce and baked goods that really makes me happy. I told Ryan that if I could change my career I think I'd be a baker, but I'd only bake bread. There is not much better than freshly baked bread. I'd rather have bread than ice-cream for a treat. At the farmer's market we bought fresh hummus and bread to have as a treat when we got home. I thought the bread looked like one of those fake pregnancy pillows you can use when you're trying on maternity clothes. When we got in the car, I put it under my shirt. Ryan looked over and said, "That's upsetting." Both Ryan and I are pretty happy knowing there will be no surprise "bread babies" in our future but Ryan even more so.
I posted this picture on Facebook with the caption "Expecting and ready with hummus" thinking that was super funny. Well I had people congratulating me on my pregnancy! I quickly clarified that I was not expecting. I guess people think pregnancy and hummus go together.

In my defense, I also had this picture posted right after with the caption "park city with the girls and my new baby whom I will call Breadface." , so I thought people would get the joke. I told Ryan that I just assume everyone knows my fertility history and is aware I will never be pregnant again unless I step out on Ryan. Maybe I need to talk about it more? ;)


Lucy has been working really hard trying to win an award for most things sat on. I've been taking pictures of her sitting on anything we set down but I heard Karen's voice in my head saying, "Stop talking about that damn cat! It makes you look crazy!" So I'm only going to post one picture of her sitting on the packaging from a shelf we put up in Hanna's room. I don't really get why cats like to sit on things. I'm thinking about taking Lucy to a animal psychic so she can tell us why. I'm afraid instead she'll tell the psychic about how I carry her around talking to her like a baby. I'm sure that's not normal.


We had family pictures taken in June by a fellow SHARE mom and blogger Kimberlee. She did a great job and I'll post my favourites in my next blog entry. Kimberlee has had multiple losses like me, so we understand each other. She added this very thoughtful photo to our CD. She must have taken it on her recent trip to California. Thanks to all the people who remembered Evie's birthday and let me know they were thinking about me. I don't expect people to remember but when they do, it is very heartwarming.

Due to education cutbacks, the following presidents will not be taught: Buchanan, Pierce, Carter, Bush, Bush...

It's that time of year! The time the kids go back to school and I go back to work. What a double rainbow summer it has been. The kids are at a great age where they can play independently but are also fun to do things with. I think summers are just going to continue to get better. I have to say, summers off a DA BOMB! I love my job! I met most of my new students tonight at Back-to-School Night and things are looking good. Some of them are so small, I can hardly believe they are old enough to be in school. I've been working a lot at school, getting my room ready and I'm thinking it looks pretty good. I'm feeling a lot better this time than I was a year ago. I'm glad I have a year of experience which I hope will make this year a bit easier.

I copied Mary and made magnets for my students. We'll use them in a variety of ways in class and then they take them home at the end of the year. This is as crafty as I get.

My room. I really like decorating/setting up my room. I told Ryan I should do this for a living.




Practicing for my annual beginning of the year photo. Note the shoes. These will only be seen at school on back to school night for 2 hours. My feet were KILLING me.


Evie
Friday is Evie's 4th birthday. I recently had a friend whose brother went through something very similar to what we did with Evie. I'm glad I was able to help in some small way. It's brought up a lot of memories, things I haven't thought about in a long time but as time passes the pain lessons. Still, I found myself crying in the car the other day. I still have moments like that but they don't come that often and they seem to pass quickly. The grief is a part of me that will always be there. I'm never going to be "over it" but I've accepted it as part of who I am. Recently I had a situation where I was told I didn't acknowledge a friend's grief over a miscarriage. I honestly don't remember the situation or email or conversation, so I can't really defend myself. I was very upset by the accusation because if there is one thing I felt like I learned from losing Evie/4 miscarriages, is how to show compassion to those who suffer losses. It was one of the most hurtful things someone could say to me. Luckily I have people in my life who are good at lifting me up when I'm feeling down and I realized I can't please everyone. I can just try to be a good person. I'll try harder. Friday, we'll celebrate Evie as a family and I'll probably have a good cry.

Please, please, please let me get what I want
Once, in high school, I was driving my mom somewhere while listening to The Smiths and she told me she couldn't understand why I liked this music because the singer sounded like he was whining. I wondered how she couldn't think this was the greatest music ever but chalked it up to the generation gap. Now I'm dealing with this and I feel her pain. I was listening to some Billy Bragg in the car the other day and Hanna told me, "I'll do anything you want if you'll turn this song off." Wha!?! Yet she'll listen to Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber all day long. I only make fun of them when they listen to popular country music. These are lyrics from a popular country song:

I aint much for mowin thick grass
I'm too slow for workin' too fast
I don't do windows so honey don't ask
But I'm pretty good at drinkin' beer

Now I know they aren't all about drinkin' beer but I just can't like popular country music. Give me some Johnny Cash any day but please let my girls grow out of this. So far they are only really into Taylor Swift and I can handle that. I'm trying to load their iPods with the classics and they do like a lot of the music I grew up on, so maybe there is hope yet.

Rambly ramblings that have no connection at all

I always wait outside the Beaumont rec center for Grace after her dance class. I park right in front of the fire hydrant because that is the only space available where she can see me. I figure you can park by a fire hydrant if you are in the car but I have to admit I feel a little uneasy about it since it's directly across the street from the fire station. Last week Grace came out looking visible unhappy. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she didn't want to talk about it. Then I was really curious so I told her I'm the mom and she has to tell me all! No, I gently cajoled it out of her. She said she was walking out of her class, looking at the recital pictures they had been given in class. A boy walked by her, who she guessed was twelve, looked right at her, then the pictures and said, "You look like a bitch." She was crying by the time she told me this. My first thought was to walk back in to the rec center, have her point this boy out to me so I could start hitting him about the head repeatedly. Instead I consoled her, told her she was in no way a "bitch" and then told her that, "boys are jerks." Coincidentally, at this week's parent teacher conferences, a mother informed me that her daughter had been called a bitch by a boy in school. She was quite upset because of the misogynist connotations this word has. I'm sure the little boy had no idea what the word meant (that's what I tell myself) but I thought it was sad, that boys just seem to throw this word out now. It made me also think of the world our girls are growing up in and that I'm sure this isn't the first time they'll be put down by a man. I want a lot of things for my girls but something I really don't want, is for them to think it's okay to be belittled, harassed or controlled by a man. I want them to stay away from anyone who would think it was okay to call a woman a bitch.

Today I went to Relief Society (church) which is a big deal for me because I've been skipping it a lot. It's my own fault but I don't feel like I know many people and honestly, it's really hard for me to sit for three hours. Adult onset ADD? It was a really good lesson today about serving others and how serving or being served has affected our lives. I felt like there were a couple of times where the teacher asked questions that I thought I had an excellent answer/example for. I told myself, "Don't do it! You'll start crying and no one knows you so why would they want to hear from you." I'm really good about giving myself these kind of positive talks. Her final question was "Do all acts of service have to be big? What are some small or simple acts of service you can render?" I immediately thought of my visiting teachers (women in the church assigned to visit/look after you) I had when Evie was born. How they claimed they just didn't know what to do for me, so they did nothing and how devastating that was for me. So I decided I could share this with out getting too worked up. I also thought it was really important for people to know that you don't have to do anything big when someone suffers a tragedy. They just want to know that you care and are sorry. Especially when a miscarriage or stillbirth is involved, they want people to know it's the loss of a child, a dream of what could have been and it hurts. So I raise my hand and start to tell the story, I'm doing okay at first but when I say "I had a baby die at 20 weeks", I start crying. When I get to the part where I say, "All I wanted them to say was, I'm sorry." I'm crying so hard, but trying to control it, that I'm making weird squeaking noises and shaking. The room is silent, and I feel like everyone is staring at me. The teacher kindly thanks me, says something I don't hear, and I bolt out of the room. Luckily I was sitting right by the door. I grab the kids out of Sunday School and get the hell out of there. I feel like an idiot, because in my mind, I sounded like a complete lunatic. I settle down but still regret opening up. A couple of hours later the doorbell rings and it's the class teacher at the door with a plate of cookies. She gives me a hug and tells me that my comment was what she was trying to get across in her lesson. She said she could tell it affected many in the room deeply and she was thankful I spoke up. I guess that made up for me feeling pretty humiliated and the cookies were really good.

"Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family"

Here is where I get all deep and shit
It was more evident than usual this Christmas that we both come from very small families. This was the first Christmas in a while that we spent entirely alone. Ryan's mom left to visit his sister and his brother and wife were with her family. My brother's family who live in Canada were in Spain and my parents were home in Canada. My kids only have two cousins who we don't get to see often enough. When I was growing up, all of my mom's four siblings lived within driving distance of my Grandma's house. We would get together often with my cousins who lived nearby. I feel for my kids that they don't have this same family dynamic that I did. When we do go to Canada each summer, they love playing with their cousins and I'm happy that the two they do have are their same ages. It's pretty weird in Utah to have such a small family that only seems to be getting smaller. I'm sometimes jealous of people who get together with their large extended families for the holidays. Neither Ryan nor I ever wanted a huge family but we, well mostly I, were hoping for three. My brother and his wife were hoping for more also but neither of us got what we wanted. Christmas is a time that I really feel Evie's absence. I think about how fun it would be to have my three girls opening presents and how fun Christmas morning would be with a almost 4 year old added to the mix.
*I talked to a friend of mine with a large family after I wrote this entry and she said something like, "A big family just means there is more crazy." That's why I loves her.

Christmas!
Our first year with a mantle. I've always wanted to have our stockings that Nana knitted for us hanging on a mantle. Mine is the big one. One of my students gave me the "be merry" sign.

The girls wanted Snuggies for Christmas and I came through. I made them dance in them like they do in the commercial. If only they made them in kitty size.

I'm starting to realize that while Hanna is the size of a little girl (I had to buy her size 7 skinny jeans so they'd actually be skinny.) she is in grade 5 and not such a little girl anymore. I thought this outfit she got for Christmas made her look like such the tween. They do grow up fast.

Here I talk about things I like
I guess this is becoming a regular thing, where I talk about products I like. If I can just help one person, it will worth it. I am in no way compensated for these endorsements. I also feel conflicted because I want to be cool like Mimi Smartypants and not a corporate whore like Dooce. So this is just me talking about things I have purchased and liked enough to want to tell others about.
I like Kiehls lip gloss. My friend Christine had some and she is cool so I thought I'd try some. It smells great, is the perfect consistency, not too sticky and lasts quite a long time. It's $14.50 at Nordstrom and I like the clear but they have all kinds of great colors.

I got a sample of this parfum at Nordstrom when I bought some makeup and I really like it. It was sold out when I decided to finally buy it but when I searched online, I saw that Target sells it too. The description describes it as: "Romantic and sensual, this alluring floral fragrance contains vanilla, musk and violet." They'll make you a free sample at Nordstrom if you want to try it. Oh and my birthday is in 2 weeks.

American Eagle skinny jeans. Relatively cheap (all are on sale right now), stretchy and look good when tucked into boots which is the only way grown women should wear them. The only downside is the low rise. I just wear longer shirts over them.

Time for kittens and bunnies

The other day I had something hurtful happen to me in the blogging world (I refuse to use the word "Blogosphere") and it got me thinking about something that has bothered me for a long time. You might say it's one of my pet peeves. I don't like it when adults think all rude behaviour is excused because, "That's how I am. I say anything I want to and if you don't like it, suck it!" I've met a few people like this in my life and I find them super irritating. Why, just because you are "that type of person" can you get away with horrible behaviour and why do some adults think this is an acceptable excuse? I was working in the PTA as treasurer the same year I got pregnant with Evie. I ended up being in the hospital having her the week school started. Actually, I remember it was the day before Grace started Kindergarten because I knew I had to get out of the hospital or heaven forbid I would miss Grace's first day. Let's just say I don't remember much of that walk to school because I was hopped up on all types of good drugs. I should have quit the PTA but for some bizarre reason I stayed in and I did a really shitty job. In my defense I do remember some mention of, "Don't you worry. You just do what you can." I hated going to meetings because all social situations caused me anxiety. This was before I wised up and listened to my therapist when he told me it was okay to take the occasional Xanax. Just the sight of certain people threw me into a panic and some of those people happened to be in the PTA. I did work with some women who I love to this day because they kept me sane that year. Then there was a woman who was very demanding and would often call me up and harass me if I missed a meeting. I had lost a child a few months earlier so I wanted to say to her, "Listen sister! It's amazing I'm able to get up in the mornings. So if I miss a damn PTA meeting, you might want to cut me some slack." This woman constantly did things like this and the one time I complained to a fellow PTA member about it, her reply was, "That's just the way she is. Don't take it personally." Oh, okay. I will remember that when I feel like yelling at someone, which happens a lot. Throw away all conventions of society because, "That's the way I am." I try to be nice on this blog, I really do. I know I've made mistakes when I've started ranting and I apologize. I will most likely continue to make mistakes but I don't intentionally try to hurt anyone. I also don't excuse my behaviour by saying, "That's how I am. Take it or leave it." I know I put myself out there and that means that I open myself up to people who disagree, which I'm totally cool with. Believe me, I know some people might not like me and that's okay. We don't all have to like each other but we do, as human beings, have to be civil.

Now think happy thoughts while looking at this kitten. You can't stay mad while looking at kittens.

It's that day but I think I'll be okay

It's Evie's 3rd birthday today. Just saying "three years" sounds so strange. It doesn't seem like it happened that long ago but yet it seems like a lifetime ago. Here it goes, the crying. Guess it makes me human to cry when talking about my child who died. I'm not such a robot after all. So many things have changed since those horrible days three years ago. I'm harder in some ways but softer in others. My marriage is stronger and I think of my children as miracles, most of the time. I still suffer from some PTSD, especially when it comes to hospitals, shows about hospitals and anything to do with an ultrasound. I can hold babies now but don't expect me to get all "goo" up in it's face. I'll hold it and appreciate it but I won't get too attached to it. The last baby of mine I held was dying, so yeah, bad association. My friend Noelle and cousin Chelle visited recently and they both had 2ish year old daughters, which is the age Evie would have been if she'd gone full-term. They were so fun! That age is just full of moving and squeals. I babysat Noelle's daughter Noemie for her when she went to her sisters temple marriage. I took her back to our house and everyone fell in loves with her. Hanna was the little mother while Grace was the playmate. I was the poop changer. What is cuter than a little girl who squeals in a delightful french accent when she gets the cookie monster diaper. There is nothing, except my own children. I wanted to tell Noelle that Noemie was now going to be a part of our family and she could visit her when we come to France. I was considering kidnapping! That's the bundle of cuteness Evie would have been had her chromosomes not broken off and reattached at strange places. It breaks my heart, but I try to fight and not let it consume me. I miss her, the girls miss her and Ryan misses her. Grace told me today that Evie is probably happy that we are thinking of her birthday and making her a cake. If she is aware of us, she probably just wishes she could be with us.

Happier things

Teaching is going well. I'm getting the hang of it and the girls love their classes/teachers. I think my kids like me and I've even had some hugs. That's right, the ice princess lets children give her hugs. I even sing songs with them and dance. Gasp!

My two munchkins on the first day of school. Daddy had to take them and I had to let go of my first day of school hair designs.


Me on my first day of teaching in my very own classroom. I told my friend to take the picture because my mom would be mad if she didn't get one. Really, I wanted one but was too embarrassed to say that.

It's hit the fan

It's Evie's due date tomorrow. I hadn't really thought about it much but after having an emotional breakdown today about the crappiness of the new stove in the "summer house", I realized that something had to be triggering it. There is also the combination of PMS, Ryan gone for the inauguration (which is cool) and no one buying our current house. Yep, there is a lot going on and I'm cracking up. I'm trying to have faith and put good vibes out there but it's getting really hard to keep this going. Our house will be done next week and we still own this house. Ryan and I are both public servants so you can guess that we don't have enough money to own two homes. Our home builder is being very generous and have told us they will hold the house until we can purchase it but I just want this to be over. I'm tired of keeping my house spotless because maybe, just maybe, someone will come look at it. My house isn't normally dirty but hell, I'd like to leave the house on a rushed morning without worry about my bathtub being spotless. We have been living like this since June! It's taking a toll on all of us. I know my life isn't horrible and I have many things to be thankful for but at the moment I need to vent about this.

People keep having babies which reminds me that I couldn't have the one I wanted. I certainly live in the wrong state if I don't want to be reminded of my loss. It's seeing my kids interacting with friend's babies or getting excited when they hear someone is pregnant. I now think I grieve more for them. She would have been two had she been born full term and I miss her. It's worse that her due date is in the dead of winter because I'm usually dealing with some winter-induced depression about now. The combination isn't good.

Ryan left early Sunday morning to fly to D.C. where he will be security for the inauguration. I've talked to him a few times and it's rushed but he is having a great time. He told me he should be right in front of the White House on the parade route tomorrow. So see if you can pick him out. He'll be in his full Trooper uniform with the Smokey the Bear hat. One thing that has been upsetting both of is the negative Obama talk he is surrounded by. I guess cops in general are Republicans (stereotype that might be correct) because Ryan has heard nothing positive said about him from other cops. I asked Ryan if he spoke up when he hear them talking and he said he didn't. He told me he thought only his friend Kevin there knew he was a democrat. I texted back "secret democrat" and it made me laugh. Maybe there are other "secret democrat" cops in his midst that are all too scared to speak up.

I've lost a few pounds since I got back from my holiday of decadence. I've been working hard at eating and exercise and it's paying off little by little. I have to put a plug in for my new Nike + iPod that Monti and Becky gave me for Christmas. I used it on the treadmill tonight and it kept me running for 38 minutes when I normally can do like, none on the treadmill. I'm an outside runner. Kristin and I are going to run a 10K this summer and my Nike + iPod is going to train me. Technology!

Buy this for $29 at Apple Store or any sporting goods store. If you don't have the Nike shoe (like me because I'm a Mizuno freak) buy a little adaptor pouch that velcros on your shoe.

Gonna dig that hole real good

We met with our builder today at our lot to make sure that our house will be placed properly. They had staked out our home on the lot so we were able to walk it and see how it's all going to look. All I can say is, "This lot is too big!" I'm going to have to get a full-time job just to pay for landscaping. The girls will definitely have all the room they need to play. I noticed the "farm" behind us has a rooster that likes to make noise and I'm already plotting it's demise. They told us they'd start digging tomorrow and I kindly excused myself to take a Xanax. Because remember, I have another house that isn't sold. I'm trying to really exercise some faith in God and the universe and think that, "it's all going to work out." The only problem is, I've been burned before. I had faith with five pregnancies and we all know how that ended. It's hard not to focus on the things you've wanted but didn't get. I know things have worked out many times for me, as evidenced by my two monkeys and Ryan, but when something really big falls though you tend to remember that. I think the added stress of the house has been triggering Evie sadness. I've been feeling her absence more lately recently and it makes me very sad. This is kind of the crappy cycle of grief. You think you're doing super and then, Bam! you're back to where you were a year ago. Recently I've found that if I listen to really loud music in the car, you can't think sad thoughts. So today I listened to Britney Spears' "Womanizer" (confession) really loud and it helped. Anyway, if you can spare a good thought or prayer our way in regards to us selling our house, I'd really appreciate it.

Our lot. I'm hoping this dumpster stays. Think of the possibilities! We also have a porta-potty.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month and October 15th recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. So if you know someone who has suffered a loss, have them in your thoughts today. If you are someone who has suffered a loss and needs support the message boards on the SHARE site were instrumental in my healing. I'm grateful for the peace I have been able to find over the last two years but there are still days where it really hurts and all I can do is cry. This quote I found on Kimberlee's blog describes how losing a pregnancy or infant effects you for life.

"Parents who have lost a child will carry their grief with them for the rest of their lives. This is called "shadow grief." But healing and the desire and ability to get on with your lives come over time"

Shadow grief is an excellent term.

Can you relate?

I'm usually a pretty relaxed person and it takes a lot to get me worked up. I'm not one to get offended if you don't wave to me when I pass you driving to school, unless it's done over and over even when I make a huge effort to give you the big cheesy wave and smile. I feel a tangent coming. There is this one woman who I pass quite often when I'm walking or driving the kids to school. If I happen to be looking when she drives by I always give her a wave but she hardly ever waves back. Whatever, this person and I are never going to be BFFs so I don't let it get to me. Lately I've been treating it like an experiment. I wave and then I watch her reaction. I actually laughed out loud the other day when it happened while I was walking the kids to school. It looked like it physically pained her to raise her hand in a wave.

"Good grief, Shea is waving at me again. Come on hand, move on up there. Ahh there you go. Whew! I'm glad that's over."

This could be all in my mind which is very likely. Okay back on track. Even then, I'm not offended but just find it amusing. Lately I've been thinking about things people have done that have honestly left me feeling bad. There haven't been a lot over the years but I find it hard to let go of things when I really am hurt. I had an experience after Evie was born that was fairly upsetting. Basically it was that my church appointed "caretakers" did nothing. I've had a couple of years to think about this and I realize that maybe they didn't know what to do. They felt awkward and chose to do nothing. I understand because I've done plenty of "nothing" in my life. I still think they had a great opportunity to serve and blew it but I'm over it now. It's definitely taught me to be more aware of those I'm responsible for and I try to help out when needed. The thing is, I got over it. It took me awhile but I know that holding grudges only hurts me. So I was wondering if anyone else has had times in their lives where they've found it hard to let something go?

Evie's birthday

Tomorrow is Evie's second birthday. It really is hard to believe it's been two years since my life changed so dramatically. I was thinking about what I was going to post while driving in the car today and I thought of two words that pretty much sum up what happened two years ago...SUCKS HARD. I know that is some eloquent writing but those are the first two words that came to mind. In some really dark moments I used to wish that everyone would experience what we went through but now I know I don't wish that nightmare on anyone. No one deserves to hear that their child will die. I think I've come a long way in two years though. I can talk about her without crying (maybe just tearing up a bit) and I don't think about her every day. If I do think about her, it's not as painful as it used to be. I honestly don't really know what to think about her or the situation at times. Sometimes I find it hard to believe it really happened, that after four miscarriages we finally get our daughter only to have it all go so wrong. I know many have suffered much worse but when it happens to you, it seems like you're being singled out and punished. I don't talk much about the spiritual aspects of her gestation/birth/life or how I've grown or regressed spiritually since because it's much too personal. I will just say that I'm not the same person I was before I had Evie and I don't know if that's a good thing. But tomorrow we celebrate her birth because she is a part of our family and we love her. I'm glad I got to see her move and breath. I only wish she could have been with us here every day because there is nothing worse than not being able to watch a child grow up. It breaks my heart. I wrote Evie's story down when I got home from the hospital while everything was fresh. I wrote this after she was born and we were alone holding her.

"I feel so much peace and love while the three of us sit here together. I know you are nearer to God than we’ll ever be."

Bear with me

I'm feeling sad today. A lot of people in "the hood" are having babies and I'm reminded constantly of how normal it is have a healthy baby. It's almost been two years since Evie was born and I'm genuinely happy to say that it's easier to think about her without falling to pieces. That being said, it's days like this where I'm sitting at the computer with tears running down my cheeks that I think I'm still kind of a mess. When I see Hanna get excited about a friend's news of a new baby girl, I feel heartbroken that she didn't get to have her little sister. I see a neighbor with her new baby at church and I have leave early because I don't want to run into her. I'm not always this sensitive but this week has been hard for some unexplainable reason. I guess it's seeing people get what I wanted and fought so fervently for. It's plain old jealousy. Like my predictable exercise blog entries, I feel like my Evie entries are equally predictable but writing is the one therapy that I've really found to help. It's either medication or writing, so I choose to write.

I forgot

I logged into Share today and it just hit me that Evie's due date was yesterday. I actually thought about her at church because of all the pregnant women around but it didn't even occur to me what day it was. I don't know if I feel good or bad about it. I don't want to be defined by "anniversaries" but I don't want to forget either. She would have been a year old if she'd have been born on the 20th. I've been doing ok, at least a lot better than I was a year ago, but I do have times where I miss her so much. The girls were showering the other day, having a lot of fun and I thought about Evie being a year old and in there with them. They would have adored her. I still don't get it but I doubt I ever will. Kristin brought baby Audrey to our house at Christmas and Hanna was in love with her. She said "I wish Evie didn't die." Me too.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. On Saturday it was the Utah Share Walk and while I didn't go to the walk, I met up with some of my Share friends after for lunch. I'd met four of the women before but sadly there were two new women there. Each of us has a story that we probably don't tell to many people and it is wonderful to sit at a table and know that you are not making anyone uncomfortable by sharing yours. They ask me about Evie and want to see her pictures. They tell me she was beautiful. I mainly talk about my experience with Evie but I do think about my four miscarriages before she was born. I tend to block those out and focus more on Evie but at the time they happened, they were just as devastating. All the hope you have only to be cut short. It's just all bad and I struggle with the memories on a daily basis. We were asked to share our stories on this day, to let other women know they aren't alone. The other day I was waiting for someone at a department store and happened to wander into the baby clothes. I picked up a 6-9-month-old sleeper and held it next to me. I should be holding a baby that fits into that sleeper. Instead, I held a baby who fit into the palm of my hand. I've been pregnant seven times but I only have two living children. That's my story. Things You Shouldn't Say She must have been special for God to take her. You'll see her again someday. At least you weren't that far along. At least you have two children. Everything happens for a reason. She's in heaven and perfect now. What I Wish Everyone Knew I think about her every day. She was alive for a few minutes after she was born. It's ok to ask me about her. My miscarriages were as emotionally and physically painful as losing Evie. Having two living children doesn't make this easier, just different. I'm still mad. I want to be told I did the right thing or don't say anything at all. We can't/won't have any more children.

Evie's Tree

Today

Today is For Remembering
The day begins like any other day,
The busy-ness of people all around me
Going about the tasks of their day,
Will never know the pain
This day marks for me.
I have survived a difficult year.
I have endured more pain and heartache
Than I ever thought possible,
And I have survived.
And I miss you...
It may just be another day
To everyone else,
But today I remember you.

W.W. Roberts

Some House Photos

I thought our yard was looking especially good after a nice rain so I took a few photos. Someday this yard is going to be bitchin but it's a slow process when you do everything by hand. I forgot the backyard which because we have a small forest back there shading it, the grass always looks better. Remember if you click on the photos they will magically become bigger. Oh and BTW Hanna was student of the month!

The south part of the front yard. Karen said my pots on the porch are too small. Next years project.


Our view from my rocking chair on the front porch. Ryan sits on it and yells at kids. ;)


Evie's memorial garden. We just planted everything this spring.

I Like the Internet

I went to the Memorial on Saturday for Bethany's daughter Elizabeth. I went out to lunch before the memorial with four other women I met through Share. It was so wonderful to sit and talk to these women about our losses. I know some friends and family thought it would be depressing but it was really helpful to talk face to face with other women who had lost a child. The more I talk the less I feel alone. We talked about how pregnancy/infant loss is such a strange thing to experience. Mainly because people don't know how to react to you. In the end you feel so alone and isolated. So this is why I like the internet because it can bring people together who normally would never get to meet each other. When I was with these women I could talk about things I can't talk about with anyone else. Feelings I have that I'd never admit to anyone else, I'll admit to them and they understand because they've had them also. Anyway the memorial was lovely and it got me thinking about what I want to do for Evie's birthday. I think I'd like to donate some items in her name to the NICU at the University of Utah where we had her. They were amazing to us there and I'd like to give something back. As hard as it is for me to think about Evie and what has happened I really want her to be a part of our family in a positive way. I want there to come a day when I think about her and I feel happy instead of sad. I'm still mad she's gone and I don't think it's fair but I don't want these feelings to be what I feel when I think about Evie. So I keep plugging along working on the grief and it seems to be getting easier. I have come to realise I don't think there will be a day that I don't think about her but I hope that those thoughts will someday be happy instead of sad.