It's Evie's 3rd birthday today. Just saying "three years" sounds so strange. It doesn't seem like it happened that long ago but yet it seems like a lifetime ago. Here it goes, the crying. Guess it makes me human to cry when talking about my child who died. I'm not such a robot after all. So many things have changed since those horrible days three years ago. I'm harder in some ways but softer in others. My marriage is stronger and I think of my children as miracles, most of the time. I still suffer from some PTSD, especially when it comes to hospitals, shows about hospitals and anything to do with an ultrasound. I can hold babies now but don't expect me to get all "goo" up in it's face. I'll hold it and appreciate it but I won't get too attached to it. The last baby of mine I held was dying, so yeah, bad association. My friend Noelle and cousin Chelle visited recently and they both had 2ish year old daughters, which is the age Evie would have been if she'd gone full-term. They were so fun! That age is just full of moving and squeals. I babysat Noelle's daughter Noemie for her when she went to her sisters temple marriage. I took her back to our house and everyone fell in loves with her. Hanna was the little mother while Grace was the playmate. I was the poop changer. What is cuter than a little girl who squeals in a delightful french accent when she gets the cookie monster diaper. There is nothing, except my own children. I wanted to tell Noelle that Noemie was now going to be a part of our family and she could visit her when we come to France. I was considering kidnapping! That's the bundle of cuteness Evie would have been had her chromosomes not broken off and reattached at strange places. It breaks my heart, but I try to fight and not let it consume me. I miss her, the girls miss her and Ryan misses her. Grace told me today that Evie is probably happy that we are thinking of her birthday and making her a cake. If she is aware of us, she probably just wishes she could be with us.
Happier things
Teaching is going well. I'm getting the hang of it and the girls love their classes/teachers. I think my kids like me and I've even had some hugs. That's right, the ice princess lets children give her hugs. I even sing songs with them and dance. Gasp!
My two munchkins on the first day of school. Daddy had to take them and I had to let go of my first day of school hair designs.
Me on my first day of teaching in my very own classroom. I told my friend to take the picture because my mom would be mad if she didn't get one. Really, I wanted one but was too embarrassed to say that.
17 comments:
Noémie *loved* hanging out with you guys! She thought Grace and Hanna were her cousins :-)
Too bad there are no cookie monster diapers here. Or veggie monster or whatever lame politically correct name he now has! So will you be bringing Hanna and Grace to Europe ?
I would love to bring the girls. They might be old enough in 11 to appreciate it. We'll see.
Thinking of you, today especially.
Thinking of you Shea! (((Hugs)))
I am so sorry about Evie, and hope you will be blessed with peace and comfort, especially today.
And, I'm glad that you are enjoying first grade! I often think that first grade would be even more of challenge than K! :)
Hugs from Mom.
Beautiful post, Shea.
{{{HUGS}}}
Shea, you are a good blog writer. You are so real. Thinking of you tonight and hoping the day ended peacefully.
Love the first day of school pics. Very cute.
JenH
Thanks for the tears. You know I love ya and am thinking of you.
You're one hot teacher....and "ice Princess"? No way! Glad you are reaching out of your comfort zone and accepting a hug:) Funny about the bathroom pass. Glad it was found...I think?
Love you, Shea. One day you'll get to hold your little baby girl, until then, I'm thinking of you and your family.
The girls still looked beautiful on their first day of school, even though you couldn't do there hair. Hope you have a great school year!!
Oh Shea. You bring me to tear talking about Evie. I can not imagine how you are getting through.
The girls looked so cute for school and your classroom rocks!
Well Shea,
Whats happening to you, hugging and been hugged. Your mother is a hugger and had kids in Jr. High came back to her in Elementary to be hugged.
You have to realize that some of the kids have never had hugs.
You are a late bloomer, never smiled for family pictures until you were married, and now you are learning about hugs.
When you are having a bad day just let a few kids hug you and all will be well.
love dad
Great first day of school picture -love your dress!
I hope that celebrating Evie's birthday will become more joyous over the years; I applaud your bravery and candor in dealing with the pain. Thanks for sharing. More hugs...
What the heck Shea, In rereading your blog it just dawned on me that you are turning into your mother!!!( how nice)
love dad......
I've been out of town, so I missed Evie's birthday. ((hugs)) I am glad you took that time to celebrate her life. That's how I try to think of it, though I know it's hard.
I see that Grace is almost as tall as Hannah now, and despite you not doing their hair, they look alright. :)
Love the first day of teaching photo. :) Hope it is all going well!
Shea, your little Evie's feet always make me cry....what a precious little baby. I so wish she would have been able to stay longer with you, she would have loved your family and playing with her sisters....and you would have been a wonderful mother (again)! I will never understand why she was taken to heaven so soon, but she will always be loved no matter what. {{{HUGS}}} I know the 4 of you must all ache to have her not there....each in your own way. I think it was wonderful that you had a cake to celebrate her tiny life....that was so tender! Hugs to all the Van Fleets!
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