Five Characteristics Of Highly Effective Serial Killers

Ryan saw a news story the other day that featured a new serial killer named Wayne. We have had this conversation before in our lives but we wondered again if my family was at high risk for a serial killer. My Dad's first name is Wayne and my brother is Monti Wayne. I guess I'm past worrying about my dad since he is "older" and doesn't have a lot of opportunity to kill but my brother is still young. I guess only time will tell. I Googled "serial killers named wayne" and this article that came up was interesting.

Rising to the top of one's profession need not be a mysterious process, particularly for serial killers. Here are five formula ingredients:

Be male. The ERA is dead, so female serial killers earn only 80% of the salary of their male counterparts. Perhaps that's why so few of our young girls aspire to be serial killers. It's going to take many a Charlize Theron to change the equation, and even then, they'll have to be prostitutes first.

Be an Eagle Scout. A disproportionate number of serial killers were Eagle Scouts. The key lessons of scouting, like tying knots and hiding things in the woods, may need to be rethought. Merit badges for self-loathing homophobia are probably fine.

Be a baker. It may be an urban legend, but a lot of serial killers seem to be bakers. That must be why the Cinnabon job application asks how many people you've killed. Three or more qualifies you for serial killer status, but it also means Cinnabon won't included you in their "Bon Health Care Plan."

Be named "Wayne." John Wayne Gacy. Wayne Williams. Wayne Alan Ford. Patrick Wayne Kearney. Does naming your child "Wayne" increase his likelihood of becoming a serial killer? We'll soon find out, as thousands of Gretzky-inspired Canadians named Wayne are just now entering their prime killing years. The big question is which is the more dominant characteristic -- the killer inherent in Waynes, or the lack of ambition in Canadians?

Be American. The U.S. has lost its manufacturing base and its technology jobs are following suit, but we still lead the world in serial killer production. The FBI estimates that 85% of the world's serial killers live in the U.S., despite the country's only accounting for 5% of the world's population. Of course, we also have the most Cinnabon franchises, so it all kind of makes sense.

Mild mannered jr. high teacher?



Or potential serial killer?