Just thinking

I can't help thinking about Evie today. Monday will be her birthday and it takes my mind back to this time last year which was the worst time of my life. It's hard to put into words the feelings I have but what it basically boils down to is that I miss her. I wish she could have been born healthy in January which would mean she would now be crawling around the floor being chased by her sisters. I think I'm healing though because even though I think about her everyday, I don't start to cry or feel the pain I used to. Ryan doesn't catch me crying in the shower anymore which I'm sure relieves him. Mostly it is before I go to sleep at night when I think about her. Since we don't have a lot of memories of her I usually think of the same moments. Feeling her move inside me, keeping me awake when we were camping right before she was born. Little things like that. I try not to let my mind go to the bad memories but I admit I still go there at times. If it wasn't for my family, good friends, and therapy (ok I admit that the very occasional Xanax has been helpful) I don't think I would have been doing as well as I am. I'm still have my moments where I wonder why God let this happen but I think deep down I know He has helped me also. I'm lucky in that I've been disappointed by few and pleasantly surprised by many. As I write this I think I realize that I'm mostly saddened by the fact that I don't get to see this person grow up. I love Hanna and Grace so much and I know Evie would have been as amazing as they are. I hold on to the hope that I will see her again and she will be healthy and happy.