Missing Evie

I wanted to write something this week about Evie since this was when we were supposed to meet her. I have a lot of feelings and emotions going on and it's hard to put them into words. Now that I sit down to write this I don't feel like anything can do these last few months justice. Obviously I'm sad. I'm sad that we don't have our daughter with us and that our girls do not have a new sister. The sadness can overwhelm me at times but I think it is getting better. Evie was our miracle baby after a string of early miscarriages. Everything pointed to a healthy baby and in August when we found out this was not so, it was the worst day of my life. It's hard for me to even think about that day or the following week and when my mind starts to go there I try to redirect it. I was apprehensive to see her for the first time because the doctors had prepared us for the fact that she would not look "normal" but when they gave her to me to hold for the first time it was so easy to look beyond her imperfections. She was so tiny that she fit in the palm of Ryan's hand and except for her cleft lip and palate, looked "normal". We fell in love with her the same way we fell in love with the girls when they were born. She was tiny but beautiful and I felt God near when she was with us. Evie's problems were not on the outside though. It was inside where she was really sick. Every organ in her body was affected and not forming properly. When we had to let her go I thought my heart would break. I don't know why this happened and I don't see this as any sort of blessing. I want my daughter here with me healthy and happy. I try to think about postives because I don't want to associate Evie with only negatives. Ryan was wonderful through the whole thing and without him I don't think I would have made it. He told me he would do whatever I wanted and he has. I have to say that one of the hardest things was watching him watch the nurse take Evie away. He loved her so much. I have had such support and love from friends and family. It's been amazing. There are certain people who really came through for me and I will forever love them for this. I'm hoping that in time I will find peace and I'll be able to think about Evie without feeling so sad or mad. Right now I feel this sense of loss that I can't seem to shake. I think about what she would have looked like or been like. I wish I could have a glimpse of her just for a minute. I know she would have been as beautiful as our other daughters. I don't feel like this post has done Evie's memory justice. I think I'm just not in a good place yet and so it's hard to really say what I'm feeling. I just miss her so much. I've attached a picture of Evie's feet that the hospital took for us. I'm not ready yet to share her picture with the world.